Becoming A Monster

I truly have this sickness. It tears me apart, and makes me feel like I am the monster they warn children about. It is an obsession of mine that I have tried and tried, till I'm on my knees and looking like death itself ate my heart right out, to walk away from.

It started when I was so young. These fantasies that would haunt me at night. They'd hover over my thoughts to the point that I was desperate to feel them out till they left my presence. I never knew what it meant, and I didn't know that the denial of its existence would make me become this desperate trash that I feel like tonight.

Tonight..it just went from something so minimal to something that made me want to not exist. To forget that I ever was alive on this planet, and simply be forgotten. Because I am a bad bug, a viral disease that should have never been planted in the hearts of the good.

I am almost ashamed to be speaking in such vague terms over what line I may have crossed tonight. If I even spoke of it in such detail that made some understanding I would be hated. Judged. And misinerpreted in the worst possible way.

I will say this..I am no monster by choice. I don't know why I am the way I am, and know nothing of why it started. But I am a biastophiliac. A sick fuck who gets theirs kicks off of others pain and tears and trauma.

I am willing to say that I am wrong. I will be condemned by the few who refuse to understand where I'm coming from, and I will openly accept responsibilty of this. And I know I need some help. I'm fucked up. My mind is a little tipsy, a little irregular. But right now I have nowhere to go and nowhere to turn to. I am alone right now.

And possibly the worst feeling for me is knowing that I am so terrified of myself and no one cares to see me. They don't want to help. Because they don't want to believe it, and it hurts the worst. To know I am this way and I can do nothing to stop it.

I just want to be saved. For gods sake, just punish me from this guilt. This extreme regret that is pulling me apart right now.

Limb by limb..piece by piece..

I am no longer holding myself right. I am just a monster.

A monster who deserves to be slayed in the worst possible way.

Sexual Beings We Be

It's something, I admit, that fascinates me. I love sex and all the facts about it. I have a passion for sexuality, but not an addiction to sex. I am always having to clarify the difference.

So I will once again clarify it here. I love that we are sexual beings, and I myself brace my sexual side. But I am no sex addict. Because addiction holds no passion and a sex addict actually likes HAVING SEX. Now, thats the big thing.

I don't like sex very often. The physical act of it with another being is something that makes me extremely out of my zone. But I love talking about the history of it, how it reflects in our culture, and the types of acts we can really do that may not involve the basic form of sex(genitals and some sort of penetration) at all.

That's why I like to focus on fetishes. People with fetishes might not even need what we would consider sex on average. Fetishes can come from people like the man from My Strange Addiction, whom loved his car. His form of sex didn't involve what we could consider sex. That is..unless your mind is open to a more spiritual side of a sexual experience.

A sexual experience is something that starts in us early. When I was younger my sexual experiences included fantasies, dreams, and taking showers with my friends without bathing suits. We were still innocent, but these little moments can effect our entire sexual being as a whole later on. We may not even realize it till much later.

I myself have fetishes that I can be "sexual" with, without having to do anything to myself. It is a purely emotional expereince that is much more powerful than the basic orgasm that we all know. Now, bringing orgasms into this. There are types of orgasms and it all has to do with the individual and how it is done. Some are stronger tha others, some have an after effect that can last hours on end. There are about 6 or 7 types that can be done for the average women.

So, the point to this? My age does not mean I do not understand sex. Just because I know about it(sometimes a hell lot more than the adults who lecture me) doesn't mean I am having it. I am no sex maniac. I am actually quite asexual physically. But my being and my soul are purely sexual at most.

The benefit to me knowing this? My career I'm heading towards is a sex therapist. I figure I should probably understand this before I head naive into the world. Plus it makes it easier on me and my future partners that I understand MYSELF. I know what to do with myself and I can therefore focus on the other persons experience in confidence.

Adults who tell me I'm too young to know this are not only frustrating, but telling me that I am not mature enough to handle the idea of it. Because their fear is that the more I know the more I will become this sex fiend.

I have always been a sexual being. That is a part of me as much as my own breathing. We all are. And what society says I "should" do at my age and my own intelligence means nothing. I am my own self, and I understand why I do what I do more than any one else who thinks they know any better.

Nothing my elders try to brainwash into me about the fact that I'm young will change that. My body is simply a tool, and my soul is what I know. Why does it matter what I do with it? If I am not harming myself in the act then they have no right to butt in. Age is a number. Intelligence is a choice that I have made for myself. By myself.

Rules of Attraction

I have recently been reflecting upon my own attraction, and what really sets it. I identify as pansexual, and only fall in love with personality. My sexual desires form after I've fallen for them first.

Even so, I do have certain preferences when it comes to how some one might personally identify and their own style. The best way I can possibly describe who I like are simple: metrosexual transmen, handsome women, and beautiful men.

I use vague terms only because what I find as handsome in women differs depending on what correlates with the individuals personality. Looks don't really effect me when it comes to a relationship I have.

I am not saying I don't have pure sexual attraction. If I happen to be watching a film and find some one attractive, then it can be just as likely to be sexually pleasing. But the true attraction I could ever feels towards any person(quite literally) really takes some time to simmer.

While I'm at it, I will add a few of my favorite "attractive" folks that I simply adore on here for my own entertainment.  The list goes in this order : Devandra Banhart, Laura Pergolizzi, Gotye, Daniela Sea, Lucas Silveira(of The Cliks), Johnny Depp, and Nanou of Suicide Girls.

I Was Sung a Song

I got a call from a few hours ago from my lovely aunt, whom is recovering from injuries at a nursing center right now. I haven't seen her in a few weeks and was surprised she called.

I also know when she calls its because she wants to talk for a long time and is usually about some doctor or medicine I know nothing about. So I answered it begrudgingly only to have instantly become her voice through the phone. She was singing me a song. A song that me and her used to sing when I was a child and she wasn't sick and makes me laugh and smile cause it's so amazing to hear it.

                                            "I just called to say I love you
                                             I just called to say how much I care
                                             I just called to say I love you
                                             And I mean it from the bottom of my heart"

She ended this with a laugh and said she had drunk coffee, not remembering there was caffiene in it and she was hyper.

Now a lot of times she is completely crazy and I feel like I'm just being used. But then there are moments like these. Where at random times fo the night she'll call me just to sing me a song and tell me how much she loves me.

And then I forget that we ever shared such terrible pasts together, and I'm brought back to the days that it was me and her. And she was teaching me how to shave my legs and cook eggs. The days she let me sit in the shower for 4 hours with my crayola shampoo and paint all over the shower walls and waste water. These are what make me think that one day everything will be okay.

Because no matter what I know that woman loves me. A real love that no one else can give. Because she would give her life without hesitation to make sure I was happy. And that is really what makes everything she's done up until now completely meaningless.

And as something cliche can relate..love really does turn this blind eye, and heal all wounds. Even if those wounds are so deep they can never fully heal right

Perfectionist Problems

So today in art I am, once again, behind. While everyone has started theirs, I still have a drawing and no color. I asked for some help and was practicing some painting with the teacher so I wouldn't mess up my sketch. My sketch of this photograph is like..PERFECT, right?

And right as I get the hang of painting with water colors down(which is a bitch to do), I wash the paint off the table and am careful to not get anything on my sketched paper. I slowly mix just the right amount of color, check the time to see if I can finish it. Timing is perfect! So I literally pick up the brush to begin..and this girl beside me knocks my water color dish a little bit.

Blue paint went all over my god damn sketch. After I spent so much careful time trying to not mess the thing up. I was a little upset, and just put my paint away because I was paranoid. And decide to sketch another one that isn't as good.

Now what really made me angry was not that she did it. I understand it was an accident. It was the fact that she just sat their staring at me and said nothing. NOTHING! Not even a fucking apology.

And the entire time as I'm re-sketching this drawing and not saying what I want to say to her face, she completely forgets the incident and just continues talking about some date with her boyfriend.

If I had been an uncontrollable person I would have punched her right then and there. But instead I re-drew it and simply decided my ruined one can be practice for my painting that's getting graded on. Turning a bad situation into something that won't make me want to give up completely.

Why am I so frustrated? Well, I am an extreme perfectionist. If I like something it is probably in its most perfect state. And if that thing gets ruined..well it is trash to me. Absolute trash.

And so, my day has been officially..

FUCKED.

Thanks, rude bitch who can't even apologize.

Confidence

It seems I have taken some time to re-read all my old poetry on and I've grown a new found confidence over my writing. I can see all these slight changes in my writing and I can physically see how much easier it is to write. I love being able to notice how much I've grown as a writer. And that's saying a lot.

Although, considering the only one who ever reads my poetry is me, I could just be living off some hope that I even have talent. (Yes, I am admitting that no one gives a shit what I write about). I am not afraid to say that I happen to be one of millions of poets who want to have any other name but amateur for their writing. That's life, I guess.

The point of this all is that I am in love with my poetry right now. This confidence will not last long though. Give me a month and I will go back to hating it and not wanting to ever see it again.

No matter what, it holds an important purpose. It helped me survive all the terrifying years of my childhood and the deathly silence my world was. Without it, I would have never been able to move on with my life. Even now, not writing when I'm anxious would be so unnatural to me.

My poetry is my entire mind. It's my being and my soul put into some form. I may never be honest when some one asks me how I am, but when I write something it comes from this raw part of me. I'm not looking for some critic to say its not good enough to be published. Because it's all for my own self healing, and I never intended it to be work for me. There'd be no passion if I did it on a timed limit.

Dating

I have a certain policy with dating. It's strict and it is necessary for me to have guidelines with it so that all the bullshit that comes along with it can be avoided. I have a literal personality and honesty is a huge thing for me. I can not stand when my parents start talking to me about meeting people by dating, like I can't possibly have a relationship unless I start with it.

I will never date a stranger. Any relationship I pursue starts as acquaintances, and months of a friendship. This is because me being pansexual, I need to know the person before having any attraction to them. If I get feelings for them, I wait around 6 months and will tell them upfront. Then from there, whether the person gives me a chance or not we just start a casual relationship. If it starts getting serious, and I start to love the person, then I will date the person. But only after I start a relationship with someone in the first place.

This can help avoid a few things. One being that dating strangers seems to make people want to impress each other. This is usually done by over exaggerating or lying your way through all the embarrassing truths. The other being the awkward small talk and abundant avoidance of personal talk when you have no idea who they are. It just makes the process of liking some one longer than it needs to be.

People tend to disagree with me saying dating is all about fun. But I don't do fun. I am an all or nothing person and don't want to be silly. I have other things to do and don't need to be messing around with my heart too. Throwing love around for the fun of it sounds so crazy to me. I could never risk it.

And after I have tried and explained why I don't date, what question do I get asked about next? Sex.

And that, well, is an entirely other topic of its own really.