Lately, I have been very content. I feel this calm is starting to fill me more than usual. I think a lot of it may be because I have let go of a few things that have been bothering me. In the end, things will not turn out like I want them to. There is no point in trying to change things I can not fix, right? It is just a waste of energy. Especially when dealing with people.
I found the best method for finding peace in a situation that has dragged me down a long time is to literally let it go. This really works with people. As much as I care for the people in my life, it does not mean I want them in my life if they are hurting me more than helping. This applies to pretty much everyone, including my own family.
I take this from my dads method of getting rid of "junk" in your life. Just toss it. If my dad is done with some one due to some problem, then he will make sure the item is destroyed or he will be sure that the person is never to see or make contact with him or any one he knows ever again. It sounds extreme, and it is. But it works. And those who claim my dad is an assshole for that have their opinion. But I agree.
In fact, I understand him. My dad has a shit past, a verbally abusive mother, no family connection, very few friends, a temper. He is very emotional. Very angry. It is part of our family history on my dads side. My grandma has it, my grandfather, and their parents before that. Now I have a temper too. But living with my dad so long, I have managed to control it on some degree with my self therapy. I can still blow up, I don't deny that. But the person would have to be REALLY persistent to make me blow. I usually will take my leave in the middle of a growingly heated argument with some one, not because I am rude, but because if I don't my temper will burst. I get mean, I get violent, I break things..including their body. My dad when he snaps just mainly broke things and was verbally abusive. My mental trauma, and several confidence issues are from that. But he never hit me.
In my case, I don't throw things. I am too cheap to want to break things. And I would never hurt an animal. But my past abuse and my sociopathic tendencies make me immune to human sympathy. So I can get abusive with people, even people I love, if I am not in control at all times. It is a pain to be on watch all the time. And it is probably best I get anger management therapy for it.
So in my family and my own's past with anger and being overly emotional and just having a shitty childhood no matter what..my dad tosses things aside. And that is specifically why I understand and use this method. I would rather take some one who I can not forgive what they did, or some one who really has hurt me and even means it when they try to make it up to, and never see them again. In my own mind, I am saying "good riddens" to the whole problem.
Now the difference between me and my dads method is how we do it. My dad at the first sign of a problem, most of them because of himself, will instantly blame the other person and throw them out of his life right away. His method is crude. And honestly, sometimes it is so quick that it is a shame. He could have fixed a lot of relationships he threw out of his life by simply TALKING about it and fixing it. But he can't do that. His anger is too strong for him.
In my case..I give chances. I am very forgiving still. I will take the time for months and months to work with the person I am having issues with. Because in the end, I do care about their well being and know not to waste opportunities over stupid shit like anger. But if it comes to the point where I can no longer forgive some one, they have repeatedly made the same mistake, are liars, and other things that make "working it out" impossible, then I throw them out. Like my dad, but with consideration to the effort of trying to fix it first.
And really, in the end, the most common reason as to why I have thrown most of friends out of my life is simply because they don't try.. If the person I try hard to fix the problem with is not doing anything to help or even trying to fix it with me then there is no point for me. They obviously don't care enough about me to try at all and I don't make excuses for that.
Because I do respect myself enough to fight when I need to fight, but also let go when I am just being used.
And right now, my peaceful heart has done that. I no longer call the person I have been having problems with a friend. They are a person, and nothing else. But it has really pushed me to that. I tried and tried to forgive. But in the end, I just can't. It has just kept happening. And if in my battle to fix it, I am the only person doing anything, then of course it isn't going to be fixed.
I won't fight a battle with no fight in return. I will always in some way care for their well being, but I also wouldn't give a shit if they died tomorrow. That is just how it is for me. My top priority is always my own happiness. It is not selfish for me because it is healthy. It is unhealthy to spend your priorities trying to keep the priorities of others protected. My own happiness is really the one thing I always have to set my sights for.
And if that means hurting many people in the process of doing so, then I will. I will make the hurt as painless as possible, but there will always be pain in the road of happiness. I accept that.
I had a dream last night, and it left me waking up groggy and full of anxiety.
I was marrying Channing Tatum(I don't even know why), and I was different. I was tall and skinny, like a super model. Long hair, blonde, and this idea of utter perfection. And yet I found myself looking at this dream and finding I had turned ugly. I didn't like the fact that I had no figure to look at.
We invited my family, and the children of my Uncles family, and the friends I used to have back before I moved out of town. The photographer asked me how I wanted the big wedding photo done, and I realized I hadn't made any plans. I did not have any brides maids or grooms men assigned and no one was even dressed fancy. It was chaotic.
So they all just started going into the bleacher and setting up, and the photographer just started handing out the kids these huge body pillows. And suddenly this big white projector screen was slid down at the top of the bleachers. A black and white video began of the children and they were playing together. The lights were dimmed..a light purple hue covered the room, and these blinking white stars filled the sky.
I stood there, watching this chaotic display and was awed by the beauty of this sleep over atmosphere. Like an outdoor movie night full of hundreds of people. This made me think that this is what weddings should be celebrated like. Full of joy, and not worrying about how fancy you look or how well you can impress a room with your smile, dancing, and all these factors that in the end, are meaningless.
And then I awoke. And I discovered I felt anxious. This dream ended like a fairy tale, and it was perfect. But yet I didn't like the outcome. I always have this idea that dreams tell me what my worries and undecisive thoughts obsess over. They give me answers that I can never fully realize alone. And this dream showed me things, that after thinking over, help me make those decisions with ease.
I was questioning my idea on marriage a lot recently. Because I enjoy weddings. They make me excited and I love the idea of dressing up and getting to eat food and socialize. But I do not want to get married. I relish my freedom, my queer life, and my beautiful body as it remains now.
And this big focus on kids really hit me. They were the main attraction on that big screen. And it made my heart melt to see all their smiles and their playful nature. I love kids. But I felt like the dream was saying my future meant having all these babies. But I don't want to have babies, and I certainly cherish my animals like they are my own much more.
So in ways this dream helped me settle the dispute within the thin walls of my brain. The decisions of doing what every one is expecting me to do versus what I really want to do is still a struggle right now. It is all if's and maybes and I have never really tried enough of what I think will make me happy to really know. Life is becoming one big giant "what if" and the only thing I can do is let my dreams tell me the way.