Lesson On Adulthood

   I have never been one to hold onto my previous years. I always hated being a child. I would look far ahead in my years and say, I want to be there right now. And in doing so it seems now that it has come to where I am exactly what I was wishing I was as a kid, I am mentally prepared for it all.

    Maybe it was luck, I really don't know. But I have been ready for this for many years, and the only things holding me back from already achieving it is still trying to get through these last few months left and getting my life started.

   I always was ready. And in the easiest way, all I had to do was let go of the dependence I had on everyone around me. I stopped looking to my parents, family, and friends for help. Instead of waiting around for some one to give me the answer, I just figured it out myself. And that kind of action helped me realize how much more relieving it is to not need any body for those answers.

   There are times I forget to keep this independence. And yes, I may ask some one for help I know I can find myself because I get lazy. Laziness kills my independence. But I have to remind myself that I am not a child. I am a woman with a functioning brain and plenty of common sense to make it through just fine without their help. I only need to ask for help when it comes to things I may not know, such as the confusing act of paying bills and when you know you owe taxes..I still have no idea.

   But everything else, including MY FUTURE, is all up to me. So if I am having a bad day, I get up anyways with my head up high and do what I have to do to get it done. There is always time to think about it and mope only a little later. But right now I have things to do so that my complete independence is possible. That is what being a working adult is. It is not any change of mind set, any change in the level of immaturity, or in my case lack there of immaturity, it is the ability to focus on whats needs done.

   I have been told this since I was little, and it works. Personal life and work life do not mix. Right now, school is work. And whatever you may be going through personally CAN NOT reflect how you behave at work. And yes, that includes school. Because reality is, you do that when your work is job or college and you get fired. You don't have some one coddling you till you feel better and you can do it later. They demand it is done now and thats final. And so it is one of my biggest rules that I follow, and try to follow to my best account.

   Never mix PERSONAL LIFE with WORK LIFE.

   It kills everything you work for to get done with things. If only adults and teachers taught school kids this way before they send them off to the real world beyond high school. I happen to have a very loving Uncle, on most days, who has managed to tell me things that most parents can not. He gave me unwanted lectures years and years, and I never really understood why. But now I am finally understanding that I should have been grateful for it.

   Emotions put a persons full potential back, and the world demands every single person work to their fully capable potential. It is an extreme expectation, but exists nonetheless. And in the end, you need it to live a comfortable life. You can say you don't, but that is ignorance on some level.

Letting My Dreams Lead the Way

I had a dream last night, and it left me waking up groggy and full of anxiety.

I was marrying Channing Tatum(I don't even know why), and I was different. I was tall and skinny, like a super model. Long hair, blonde, and this idea of utter perfection. And yet I found myself looking at this dream and finding I had turned ugly. I didn't like the fact that I had no figure to look at.

We invited my family, and the children of my Uncles family, and the friends I used to have back before I moved out of town. The photographer asked me how I wanted the big wedding photo done, and I realized I hadn't made any plans. I did not have any brides maids or grooms men assigned and no one was even dressed fancy. It was chaotic.

So they all just started going into the bleacher and setting up, and the photographer just started handing out the kids these huge body pillows. And suddenly this big white projector screen was slid down at the top of the bleachers. A black and white video began of the children and they were playing together. The lights were dimmed..a light purple hue covered the room, and these blinking white stars filled the sky.

I stood there, watching this chaotic display and was awed by the beauty of this sleep over atmosphere. Like an outdoor movie night full of hundreds of people. This made me think that this is what weddings should be celebrated like. Full of joy, and not worrying about how fancy you look or how well you can impress a room with your smile, dancing, and all these factors that in the end, are meaningless.

And then I awoke. And I discovered I felt anxious. This dream ended like a fairy tale, and it was perfect. But yet I didn't like the outcome. I always have this idea that dreams tell me what my worries and undecisive thoughts obsess over. They give me answers that I can never fully realize alone. And this dream showed me things, that after thinking over, help me make those decisions with ease.

I was questioning my idea on marriage a lot recently. Because I enjoy weddings. They make me excited and I love the idea of dressing up and getting to eat food and socialize. But I do not want to get married. I relish my freedom, my queer life, and my beautiful body as it remains now.

And this big focus on kids really hit me. They were the main attraction on that big screen. And it made my heart melt to see all their smiles and their playful nature. I love kids. But I felt like the dream was saying my future meant having all these babies. But I don't want to have babies, and I certainly cherish my animals like they are my own much more.

So in ways this dream helped me settle the dispute within the thin walls of my brain. The decisions of doing what every one is expecting me to do versus what I really want to do is still a struggle right now. It is all if's and maybes and I have never really tried enough of what I think will make me happy to really know. Life is becoming one big giant "what if" and the only thing I can do is let my dreams tell me the way.

Human Judgement and Animal Equality: An Experiment

Alright so I tested something today and I thought it was important enought to write about. Now I am a big animal activist. My ideals go way back to when we as humans were equal with the animal species and considered them respectable creatures.

So I thought that I'd ask a simple question on Experience Project. What I asked was this:

"Your in a burning building. There is a child to your left and a puppy on your right. You can only save one. Who?"

Now, before I even talk about the responses I got let me first say that in no way does my own decision mean the other is worthless. But, what I am actually trying to see is how my own opinion can some how bring out the judegement of others. This worked better than I thought it would really.

On this detail box, I said, "This was hard for me, but my gut says the puppy". I was being completely honest and in no way said the child was worthless and didn't DESERVE to be saved.

But, the responses I got were expected. Some said they'd die trying to save both. One said puppy, but they would try to save the child if they could. And the others, well the others said they would without a doubt save the child.

These answers are all respectable. In fact, every one is different. We all have different experiences and views and were not all going to agree. Nothing is a "normal" decision for all humans too choose. And some people in reading that I would save the puppy didn't take it well. In fact, went on to say things like:

"Fuck the dog, humans need to save their own kind. For you to pick a puppy over an innocent child. You need help."

First of all, both are very innocent. That was the point. To take away this idea of innocence and go to instinct of personal favoritism.  And this upset me, but didn't suprise me that of course some one would say the humans need to save their own. As if suggesting we were BETTER than animals. As an activist, I remain with the idea that we are EQUAL. All animals and humans deserve peace and a right to live. And humans in no way trump nature. I would even go to say in some cases nature trumps us more often. Because it gives us life and food and shelter. And we owe it some respect.

Now, I got a second answer saying this:

"I would not hesitate to save the child. It is natural for us to want to save our own."

I have a problem with this also. Saying something is natural is always false when it comes to opinion. Because that would be referring to something being "normal" meaning the average accepted decision of society. But we forget that society does not control our opinions. And I further said that whether or not I am right or wrong does not matter because we both have respectable opinions and we are, again, all different. And this person not only ignored my statement but said for me to go to hell and I probably support abortion as well. This person is exactly why I chose to do this.

The human race has become so civilized according to the expected morals and ideas of society that any differing opinion is seen as immoral and evil. And this produces all the hate and racism and anti-gay and any other judgement that we face now.

I did not mean to offend, nor did I say any thing in the purpose of offending. I simply wanted to see who would answer what. And I was disappointed with the narrow minded answers I got from some people.