About A Boy

It has been 4 years. 4 very long years that my emotional wounds have healed over and been taken care of. I lost my nephew and never got to say goodbye. He was told that we were evil, menaces, and horrible people. That will always be his very last thought till he becomes an old man and we can do nothing about it. And I have accepted this.

But there are the memories that still manage to linger. I practically raised the boy. He was like my son, and we had these little things that when I listen to a certain song, see a small blue eyed blonde boy laughing in the grocery store, they all manage to crack my strength.

And last year when we managed to run into him and his mother, I managed to hold in the blow to my heart. It had felt like some darkness pulled my heart out and threw me around like a rag doll. And his aged face, now about 8, was so beautiful. But his eyes had lost his light. He was heavily medicated, staring into space, like he didn't know who we were. His pale hand was tightly holding onto his fathers. And his father told him to say hello, and when that boy looked at me I saw an empty soul. They had corrupted his bright bubbly personality into a shell. And he was just a boy.

And when they left I broke. I stood in the middle of the crowded theater hall, fell to the floor and I began to cry so hard. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't see. All I could feel was my heart being torn into pieces. This wasn't my lover telling me it was over, this wasn't losing my best friend. Those feelings seemed so easy compared to this. I had grown so strong thinking of the memories of this boy, and seeing the reality just broke my entire mind. I had to be picked up by Uncle and dragged to the bathroom. And I fell against his chest and just screamed.

It was the absolute worst feeling. And I suddenly knew the pain of a parent losing her child. Why they never talk about it, and yet hold onto their useless toys and old blankets like they have so much meaning. Because their smell eventually fades, as does their presence in your own heart. And you feel like you have an empty hole in your heart. And no matter how much your heart heals those wounds, their is still these jaded scars and they will never leave.

And all this comes from a song. One song I happen to be listening to that reminds me of this boy that made me feel like I was worth something. And I realize I am not stronger than the day he left. I am only dealing with it and realizing I will never fully regain my heart back.

That was taken so long ago. The day I stopped being able to hold that sweet boy in my arms at night is the night I lost my faith.

And I will never get it back.

Letting My Dreams Lead the Way

I had a dream last night, and it left me waking up groggy and full of anxiety.

I was marrying Channing Tatum(I don't even know why), and I was different. I was tall and skinny, like a super model. Long hair, blonde, and this idea of utter perfection. And yet I found myself looking at this dream and finding I had turned ugly. I didn't like the fact that I had no figure to look at.

We invited my family, and the children of my Uncles family, and the friends I used to have back before I moved out of town. The photographer asked me how I wanted the big wedding photo done, and I realized I hadn't made any plans. I did not have any brides maids or grooms men assigned and no one was even dressed fancy. It was chaotic.

So they all just started going into the bleacher and setting up, and the photographer just started handing out the kids these huge body pillows. And suddenly this big white projector screen was slid down at the top of the bleachers. A black and white video began of the children and they were playing together. The lights were dimmed..a light purple hue covered the room, and these blinking white stars filled the sky.

I stood there, watching this chaotic display and was awed by the beauty of this sleep over atmosphere. Like an outdoor movie night full of hundreds of people. This made me think that this is what weddings should be celebrated like. Full of joy, and not worrying about how fancy you look or how well you can impress a room with your smile, dancing, and all these factors that in the end, are meaningless.

And then I awoke. And I discovered I felt anxious. This dream ended like a fairy tale, and it was perfect. But yet I didn't like the outcome. I always have this idea that dreams tell me what my worries and undecisive thoughts obsess over. They give me answers that I can never fully realize alone. And this dream showed me things, that after thinking over, help me make those decisions with ease.

I was questioning my idea on marriage a lot recently. Because I enjoy weddings. They make me excited and I love the idea of dressing up and getting to eat food and socialize. But I do not want to get married. I relish my freedom, my queer life, and my beautiful body as it remains now.

And this big focus on kids really hit me. They were the main attraction on that big screen. And it made my heart melt to see all their smiles and their playful nature. I love kids. But I felt like the dream was saying my future meant having all these babies. But I don't want to have babies, and I certainly cherish my animals like they are my own much more.

So in ways this dream helped me settle the dispute within the thin walls of my brain. The decisions of doing what every one is expecting me to do versus what I really want to do is still a struggle right now. It is all if's and maybes and I have never really tried enough of what I think will make me happy to really know. Life is becoming one big giant "what if" and the only thing I can do is let my dreams tell me the way.

Bad Parents

There are some people in this world who were never made to be parents. The way they were raised, their personality, and the way they interact with others makes them impossible at ever raising a proper child. As complex as we are, as infants we happen to be the dullest of the animal world.
The way we are trained to survive in the world has necessities that if met make us proper and prim for us to live on this earth. Three simple rules: freedom, discipline, and attention. With these three all humans will most likely be raised to live as a mentally stable being.
Freedom: We all use it to find ourselves. The constraints of strict environments naturally makes us feel the need to escape, just as animals do when we throw them cages.
Discipline: This is possibly the most important and yet most failed necessity we forget. Without it we have no idea of what respect is, or love, or manners. The basics of understanding life needs to be shown to us. And the reality is..we need to be thrown around sometimes to get it through our thick heads.
Attention: This goes back to the days of old psychology methods. It is now common knowledge that we all want attention, and if we never recieve it as children we end developing attention seeking habits that may never leave us as adults.
It can be simple to parents who have  a natural ability to show all these, and it can never be forced. The simple question is this..in your own personality do you have these three abilities with other humans?
If yes, then your ability to be a GOOD parent is likely.
If not..well, try a pet.