The Power of a Deep Breath

   Sometimes it takes the days where you haven’t slept all night for weeks. With the nightmares and the thinking and the obsession with every little detail of your life..you finally find yourself laying in your lonely, cold room thinking that this is it. This is where I have led myself. This is my legacy.

   It is a profound feeling of something like letting go. I feel no shame for this unfulfilled history, but rather a longing for something more. Maybe it is boredom finally finding it’s little spot in my soul telling me it is time. I look for so many signs in my life. My scars on my heart tell me how patched up my heart remains. My scars on my skin tell me I am alive. And breathing. I can close my eyes and breathe so deep just to feel my chest rise and fall. I think of my dog, when she is sleeping in front of me and I want to scream my tears of joy over her little body pushing up and down as she breaths in her beautiful sleep. And my chest reminds me this is why. There is something powerful in having someone to look after. Not to save or to nurture, but some one who will be there to give you a greeting every morning because they love you.

   I was raised something of a military sweetheart. My father was the strict man. He was known to demand more respect than he offered back. But I was also given a lot of love from people who could have easily had nothing to do with me. And I learned something in their kindness. I never really considered my beliefs in my thoughts. I say it is karma for this, and a coincidence for that. And it doesn’t really matter what logic I place, as long as I can feel it in my words. Sometimes it takes speaking the words out loud to make you truly feel that hard brick of a denial shatter. And then you feel as if the world is over. It is the purest form of love. I find the most painful parts of my life mean I have lived. And I may not have covered enough of achievements to the blind eye to receive praise. But in my core I know there is meaning in the pointless. The most relevant praise you need is how you feel about something. And right now, in all my thinking, it seems my lack of achievement mean nothing compared to how I feel.

   There is a revolution in my heart. A peaceful giant ready to let me smile with a genuine chesire grin. And there is no choice in holding back this feeling. I have been feeling overwhelmed, dare I say lost in my own head. And I have been thinking over and over again on what could be making me so frustrated at not knowing. When it was showing me, in every day life. Peace is something I never had. And I have finally lifted a portion of my past off enough to let myself feel calm when I wake up from a shitty night and lack of sleep. I get up and eat my breakfast, and I give myself a hug and smile. And this natural behavior scared me. Because I had no idea what it was. I have never felt peace over stressful days. And the stress of the simple things is something I have never had to face over all the obstacles that almost broke me whole. I have taken one step towards a happier life. 6 years in the making, and something has naturally been lifted. Time does heal some wounds, and maybe I can believe in miracles again.

   I would like to believe in a miracle. Something I can hope to wake up to and give a hug and some breakfast to. An entity of being that compliments my happy heart. And I have enough patients to wait for that day, even to live it once. It is the final ending to my story. As a breathing life form, my final point of view will be of myself. With my chesire grin. I will have done it. And done it well. With so much more life to live beyond this body of mine, and so much more to learn. 

My Father's Philosophy

   Lately, I have been very content. I feel this calm is starting to fill me more than usual. I think a lot of it may be because I have let go of a few things that have been bothering me. In the end, things will not turn out like I want them to. There is no point in trying to change things I can not fix, right? It is just a waste of energy. Especially when dealing with people.

   I found the best method for finding peace in a situation that has dragged me down a long time is to literally let it go. This really works with people. As much as I care for the people in my life, it does not mean I want them in my life if they are hurting me more than helping. This applies to pretty much everyone, including my own family.

   I take this from my dads method of getting rid of "junk" in your life. Just toss it. If my dad is done with some one due to some problem, then he will make sure the item is destroyed or he will be sure that the person is never to see or make contact with him or any one he knows ever again. It sounds extreme, and it is. But it works. And those who claim my dad is an assshole for that have their opinion. But I agree.

    In fact, I understand him. My dad has a shit past, a verbally abusive mother, no family connection, very few friends, a temper. He is very emotional. Very angry. It is part of our family history on my dads side. My grandma has it, my grandfather, and their parents before that. Now I have a temper too. But living with my dad so long, I have managed to control it on some degree with my self therapy. I can still blow up, I don't deny that. But the person would have to be REALLY persistent to make me blow. I usually will take my leave in the middle of a growingly heated argument with some one, not because I am rude, but because if I don't my temper will burst. I get mean, I get violent, I break things..including their body. My dad when he snaps just mainly broke things and was verbally abusive. My mental trauma, and several confidence issues are from that. But he never hit me.

   In my case, I don't throw things. I am too cheap to want to break things. And I would never hurt an animal. But my past abuse and my sociopathic tendencies make me immune to human sympathy. So I can get abusive with people, even people I love, if I am not in control at all times. It is a pain to be on watch all the time. And it is probably best I get anger management therapy for it.

   So in my family and my own's past with anger and being overly emotional and just having a shitty childhood no matter what..my dad tosses things aside. And that is specifically why I understand and use this method. I would rather take some one who I can not forgive what they did, or some one who really has hurt me and even means it when they try to make it up to, and never see them again. In my own mind, I am saying "good riddens" to the whole problem.

    Now the difference between me and my dads method is how we do it. My dad at the first sign of a problem, most of them because of himself, will instantly blame the other person and throw them out of his life right away. His method is crude. And honestly, sometimes it is so quick that it is a shame. He could have fixed a lot of relationships he threw out of his life by simply TALKING about it and fixing it. But he can't do that. His anger is too strong for him.

    In my case..I give chances. I am very forgiving still. I will take the time for months and months to work with the person I am having issues with. Because in the end, I do care about their well being and know not to waste opportunities over stupid shit like anger. But if it comes to the point where I can no longer forgive some one, they have repeatedly made the same mistake, are liars, and other things that make "working it out" impossible, then I throw them out. Like my dad, but with consideration to the effort of trying to fix it first.

    And really, in the end, the most common reason as to why I have thrown most of friends out of my life is simply because they don't try.. If the person I try hard to fix the problem with is not doing anything to help or even trying to fix it with me then there is no point for me. They obviously don't care enough about me to try at all and I don't make excuses for that.

   Because I do respect myself enough to fight when I need to fight, but also let go when I am just being used.

   And right now, my peaceful heart has done that. I no longer call the person I have been having problems with a friend. They are a person, and nothing else. But it has really pushed me to that. I tried and tried to forgive. But in the end, I just can't. It has just kept happening. And if in my battle to fix it, I am the only person doing anything, then of course it isn't going to be fixed.

   I won't fight a battle with no fight in return. I will always in some way care for their well being, but I also wouldn't give a shit if they died tomorrow. That is just how it is for me. My top priority is always my own happiness. It is not selfish for me because it is healthy. It is unhealthy to spend your priorities trying to keep the priorities of others protected. My own happiness is really the one thing I always have to set my sights for.

   And if that means hurting many people in the process of doing so, then I will. I will make the hurt as painless as possible, but there will always be pain in the road of happiness. I accept that.