Bad Parents

There are some people in this world who were never made to be parents. The way they were raised, their personality, and the way they interact with others makes them impossible at ever raising a proper child. As complex as we are, as infants we happen to be the dullest of the animal world.
The way we are trained to survive in the world has necessities that if met make us proper and prim for us to live on this earth. Three simple rules: freedom, discipline, and attention. With these three all humans will most likely be raised to live as a mentally stable being.
Freedom: We all use it to find ourselves. The constraints of strict environments naturally makes us feel the need to escape, just as animals do when we throw them cages.
Discipline: This is possibly the most important and yet most failed necessity we forget. Without it we have no idea of what respect is, or love, or manners. The basics of understanding life needs to be shown to us. And the reality is..we need to be thrown around sometimes to get it through our thick heads.
Attention: This goes back to the days of old psychology methods. It is now common knowledge that we all want attention, and if we never recieve it as children we end developing attention seeking habits that may never leave us as adults.
It can be simple to parents who have  a natural ability to show all these, and it can never be forced. The simple question is this..in your own personality do you have these three abilities with other humans?
If yes, then your ability to be a GOOD parent is likely.
If not..well, try a pet.

Men

A trivial issue here. As a pansexual, I have this big choice on who I want to associate myself with. I have no faults against men, but there is something I find in the supposed “men” of the good old USA that pertains specifically to pride.
 I hold preferences to protect my own perfectionist look on life. I look for people who naturally don’t make me want to completely go ballistic. That is where men come in, because MOST of them do exactly that. There is this term going around..something called “male privilege”, which I believe still exists. The only problem I have with it is men use it as an excuse to undermine others, and it is also being used against transmen.
I have always been a huge trans activist and quite the tranny chaser in light terms. If I ever try with a man he is more than likely an ftm. I find they have a certain understanding of life that explaining myself to a biological man would refuse to understand.
Another part of the problem is really due to my typical daddy issues. He is what I am, as much as I hate to admit. I grew up in a place where I was treated worse than dirt and men have not treated me right. Not ONE. So my irrational fear of men in any relationship besides friendship is something that makes me more anxious than it should.
 I love women, women who love other women, women who hate the world. Any type of woman is beautiful to me. It’s all about her personality that gets to me, and I’m sure as hell more leniant with women than I ever could with men. I’m stuck in the LGBT world no matter what direction I head, and I am honestly more proud than anything to say that.
I love being me, even though I have the worst outlook on life and have to criticize everything I do. I love being a butch women and I really love people. Just people who remain open minded to the possibility of anything happening to us.
That is besides the point really, as I have gone off into some tangent already. But back to my point. Men..they are trouble for me. And I don’t like trouble. Thus concluding that my likelihood of giving my all to a man is like dreaming of a happy version of me. It just ain’t gonna happen, folks.

Silence is Deadly

 I remain a firm believer that children who are over weight usually grow up having a hard time losing any of it, if any at all. I was such a positive child and even through all the bad I had to live by, I refused to recognize it. I managed to cope through the trauma of it without ever knowing I was coping, and that was raiding the cupboards for some snack to eat.
 It wasn’t until I reached middle school that I began to steal food late at night. I thought about it when I got home, and it stayed with me obsessively till I managed to snag something I knew was terrible for me once my dad was asleep.
 It honestly still shocks me that it took me this long to understand what I had started, and the result of this bad habit that is one of the things I regret. Middle school had been my breaking point. I stopped eating, stopped talking, and couldn’t sleep. I became this hateful little girl that hated herself and the world all at once. The world was my enemy, and therefore my life had really lost all its meaning. I stopped working and become a compulsive liar. It all came to hit me that this long battle with in me had finally reached my head and kicked my ass so hard that I couldn’t get back up.
 After 6 months, I was a wreck. This led me to looking at myself in the mirror for hours at a time and hating what I saw to the point where the marble counter became my punching bag. I tried everything, and my obsession with death and fire only managed to increase. I was hoarding candles, so I could light them in my closet and have it burn my skin slowly. I was intelligent enough not to cut my wrist because it left scars, and I wasn’t about to have some one notice I needed some help. I wasn’t looking for attention, it was the exact opposite. After I had gotten out of it..well, I thought I had improved.
 Until my maintained weight of 150 started increasing week after week. I started binging on food till I would be puking it out because my stomach simply couldn’t take it in anymore. It was my pure obsession with it that helped me live through those same urges I started so long ago. I had to admit to myself that I was traumatized. I was sick. I had a mental illness.
 A year later, I know what exactly is wrong with me. Due to my pure neglect I gained more problems from my original ones. I have a sleeping disorder that I have luckily managed to find natural sleeping aides for me, I have a long standing depression that only worsens, extreme anxiety that leaves me a recluse, and an eating disorder that is killing me physically.
 I am stuck in this place where I have no support from the world around me, and I feel nothing for the sake of continuing on with my day. Being alone is helping me manage my guilt. I need to be alone to keep calm but I hate being alone.
 In truth, I am a complete mess. Highly capable of being called insane, and am assuredly not healthy enough to be living in society.

Epiphany

A friend of mine said something to me that made me think. He said to me, “So you know everything about LGBT’s and serial killers, your set.”
And when he said this I found my self feeling a sense of pride. I have spent all my free time devoting my self to this research for no apparent reason, and I feel accomplished to say I only need to update myself on it now.
Why should I feel proud? Well, I’m not sure. Why did I not cry when I saw my first car crash? Why did I try to calculate how much time it would take to not get hit by a car? I’ve had this inclination of self-worth based on my knowledge of what I know. My interests needs to reach not only the modern but the mechanics and history.
When I like a musician, I not only look up all their songs but who they are. I watch interviews, find personal blogs, find all the history of their lives I can possibly find. It is what I do. I am the “research whore”. I love knowing EVERYTHING.
Does that make me conceited? Selfish? It depends on how someone might look at it really. I know what I know, and any one who might look down upon me is not willing to understand me. I am more than what I show, and no one likes to see farther than it.
Fear is the biggest obstacle for some one as grotesque as me, for fear is what holds the people I adore so far away from me. At a distance that seems like I am utterly alone in the small bubble that my life surrounds.
I have never liked asking why, because it only makes more questions form and I am more lost than gratified in the end.

Hello

I have started this idea of giving my many thoughts a chance in the online world. I'm a bit of a day dreamer and will most likely use this as a philosophical journal or just a simple diary. I am a very queer and very opinionated person who just likes to write everything down. That's all.