Letting My Dreams Lead the Way

I had a dream last night, and it left me waking up groggy and full of anxiety.

I was marrying Channing Tatum(I don't even know why), and I was different. I was tall and skinny, like a super model. Long hair, blonde, and this idea of utter perfection. And yet I found myself looking at this dream and finding I had turned ugly. I didn't like the fact that I had no figure to look at.

We invited my family, and the children of my Uncles family, and the friends I used to have back before I moved out of town. The photographer asked me how I wanted the big wedding photo done, and I realized I hadn't made any plans. I did not have any brides maids or grooms men assigned and no one was even dressed fancy. It was chaotic.

So they all just started going into the bleacher and setting up, and the photographer just started handing out the kids these huge body pillows. And suddenly this big white projector screen was slid down at the top of the bleachers. A black and white video began of the children and they were playing together. The lights were dimmed..a light purple hue covered the room, and these blinking white stars filled the sky.

I stood there, watching this chaotic display and was awed by the beauty of this sleep over atmosphere. Like an outdoor movie night full of hundreds of people. This made me think that this is what weddings should be celebrated like. Full of joy, and not worrying about how fancy you look or how well you can impress a room with your smile, dancing, and all these factors that in the end, are meaningless.

And then I awoke. And I discovered I felt anxious. This dream ended like a fairy tale, and it was perfect. But yet I didn't like the outcome. I always have this idea that dreams tell me what my worries and undecisive thoughts obsess over. They give me answers that I can never fully realize alone. And this dream showed me things, that after thinking over, help me make those decisions with ease.

I was questioning my idea on marriage a lot recently. Because I enjoy weddings. They make me excited and I love the idea of dressing up and getting to eat food and socialize. But I do not want to get married. I relish my freedom, my queer life, and my beautiful body as it remains now.

And this big focus on kids really hit me. They were the main attraction on that big screen. And it made my heart melt to see all their smiles and their playful nature. I love kids. But I felt like the dream was saying my future meant having all these babies. But I don't want to have babies, and I certainly cherish my animals like they are my own much more.

So in ways this dream helped me settle the dispute within the thin walls of my brain. The decisions of doing what every one is expecting me to do versus what I really want to do is still a struggle right now. It is all if's and maybes and I have never really tried enough of what I think will make me happy to really know. Life is becoming one big giant "what if" and the only thing I can do is let my dreams tell me the way.

Hearts Beat As One

You ask me how it feels

to see the world in dark variation

where the bright blue sky makes me want cry

for it is too bright for my bitter heart

And I answer you

that there is no feeling

not like when you are layed down

under the stars gaze

and the scratches along your skin

are from my own bloody hands

You ask me why I need to see your tears

as they flow over your supple cheeks

and into your smiling mouth

because you know why

and I need only to lean down

to whisper, "Your mine"

You ask me what I want

as you flip me over

where the floor is cold from the night sky

and chills run up my body

And I answer you

that I want everything

and nothing

because you are an empty being

as empty as me

who craves something to ease the hatred

that oozes out of our words

to stain innocents hearts

And this

this is why I ask you

when I flip you back around

and I lean my grin close to your chest

and whisper, "Let me in"

Will you let me in?

So that I can dig deep inside whatever tomb lay hidden

beneath your skin and your bruises

to reach that inner roar you hold

Because my final question could never be spoken

for it is air itself that we breath

that answers it for us

And when my hands wrapped your neck

it was never meant for harm

but to show my deepest regret

because I am so ashamed to love you