Letters for Wounds

See me at my worst.
I am broken. A disaster.
There are days, I admit, that my hair gets a little greasy. I eat enough so that the idea that I'm a monster isn't real any longer. The 40 pounds I'd gained weren't to throw at you like it was your doing. I swear it.
The doctor said I have problems. He said I don't react well to problems, and the only way to fix that was to take some medicine. Little pills that are supposed to fix how I treat you.
My father told me I wasn't worth his sperm today. My mother seemed like a kind woman, and died one too, I'd like to hope. Everyone says I have her smile. I could never find out because every time I try to smile my teeth get in the way.
Remember when you cut your finger? I do. It was with that sharp knife used for some bread. It was too hard too cut anyway, so I don't blame you. You sure yell a lot when your pinky bleeds. Blood looks like the paint you gave me for christmas. Could I borrow your blood for one of my sketches one time? That would be the best present ever.
I'm supposed to see a doctor for more of these little pills. Their green, like the lakes you took me to feed the ducks once. The memory of it always helps me swallow it more. Like I'm swallowing some of you. One of the effects is supposed to be sleepiness. So far, all I do is lay in my bed thinking of you. Is that what sleepiness is? I sure don't like it. 

Rape Is Not Funny

So I came across this silly and very rude question today. Not many questions people ask offend me, but lets be honest, there are a lot of idiots in the world. A couple questions that come from mindless idiots are bound to rustle your feathers some day.

And today I got mine. The question this lady asked was,

"If you had to pick your rapist, who would you pick?"

Now, a few questions popped in my head. First, what in the hell was this person thinking? You don't ask who people would want to be raped by. That is very inconsiderate on a lot of levels. And this is coming from my biastophiliac mouth no less. No one chooses to be raped, nor is it something you treat as a light experience. It is traumatic and not to be used for any purpose to be silly whatsoever.

Another question that came to mind was that if you CHOOSE your rapist, then it would no longer be rape. Because you would be most likely choosing some one you find attractive. Therefore at that point it would be consentual role play. Which is completely healthy in any sexual relationships if its done right and they use a safe word correctly.

So I said this to the asker, and they basically told me that it would still be rape even if we chose and I was wrong. So this person is even bullying all the people who don't give the answers they like. Maybe they're trying to be a little out of the box, but this is way beyond even my moral hating mind.

I can talk about a lot of things. Some of it may seem cruel, and some of it may seem down right illegal. But I would never use any harmful event lke rape and turn it into a fun question.

Rape is a traumatic experience PERIOD. And there is no excuses for that kind of behavior.

Human Judgement and Animal Equality: An Experiment

Alright so I tested something today and I thought it was important enought to write about. Now I am a big animal activist. My ideals go way back to when we as humans were equal with the animal species and considered them respectable creatures.

So I thought that I'd ask a simple question on Experience Project. What I asked was this:

"Your in a burning building. There is a child to your left and a puppy on your right. You can only save one. Who?"

Now, before I even talk about the responses I got let me first say that in no way does my own decision mean the other is worthless. But, what I am actually trying to see is how my own opinion can some how bring out the judegement of others. This worked better than I thought it would really.

On this detail box, I said, "This was hard for me, but my gut says the puppy". I was being completely honest and in no way said the child was worthless and didn't DESERVE to be saved.

But, the responses I got were expected. Some said they'd die trying to save both. One said puppy, but they would try to save the child if they could. And the others, well the others said they would without a doubt save the child.

These answers are all respectable. In fact, every one is different. We all have different experiences and views and were not all going to agree. Nothing is a "normal" decision for all humans too choose. And some people in reading that I would save the puppy didn't take it well. In fact, went on to say things like:

"Fuck the dog, humans need to save their own kind. For you to pick a puppy over an innocent child. You need help."

First of all, both are very innocent. That was the point. To take away this idea of innocence and go to instinct of personal favoritism.  And this upset me, but didn't suprise me that of course some one would say the humans need to save their own. As if suggesting we were BETTER than animals. As an activist, I remain with the idea that we are EQUAL. All animals and humans deserve peace and a right to live. And humans in no way trump nature. I would even go to say in some cases nature trumps us more often. Because it gives us life and food and shelter. And we owe it some respect.

Now, I got a second answer saying this:

"I would not hesitate to save the child. It is natural for us to want to save our own."

I have a problem with this also. Saying something is natural is always false when it comes to opinion. Because that would be referring to something being "normal" meaning the average accepted decision of society. But we forget that society does not control our opinions. And I further said that whether or not I am right or wrong does not matter because we both have respectable opinions and we are, again, all different. And this person not only ignored my statement but said for me to go to hell and I probably support abortion as well. This person is exactly why I chose to do this.

The human race has become so civilized according to the expected morals and ideas of society that any differing opinion is seen as immoral and evil. And this produces all the hate and racism and anti-gay and any other judgement that we face now.

I did not mean to offend, nor did I say any thing in the purpose of offending. I simply wanted to see who would answer what. And I was disappointed with the narrow minded answers I got from some people.

My Family Battle with Gender

   Me and my Uncle fight often. Far too often for me not to take notice of the roots of our problems that I only seem to see. In another argument that me and him had today, it all started because I mentioned knowing a transman. Now, my uncle is quite conservative and traditional, and for him gender and sex are one of the same. I had just woken up, and wasn’t thinking right. So I just started off by saying he was a transman and he gets bullied a lot. And my uncle decided that instead of actually following what I was saying, to say, “Wait, is it a boy or a girl?”

   I replied to him saying he identified as a boy. And uncle got further confused. So I explained to him that sex and gender are two different concepts. Sex being what your born with and gender being a society norm for what we label with sex. And that gender is a wide spectrum, from cis to bigendered to genderqueer, etc. This only made him say that he already had a head ache. Yeah, obviously not the best way to prove he’s listening to me at all.

    His excuse was that he was raised thinking that boys have penises and girls have vaginas, and that I should consider my audience so he doesn’t have to ask. He further said that I shouldn’t assume he knows. Now, I wasn’t assuming anything. I had just woken up and wasn’t really considering whether I needed to explain it all at that moment. Not only am I getting lectured based on his views, but now also how I don’t “consider my audience”. I’m getting frustrated now.

   So he takes that and asks me, “If I meet some transsexual who identifies as something else in the work place, how would I know?”

   And right as I am about to answer, he cuts me off and says that how you talk to coworkers depends on their gender. And I immediately said, no it does not. It depends on the personality more than their sex organ. He agreed on that, but further said that him talking to a woman is different than talking to a man. He said because if he says. “Go fuck yourself!” to man, they don’t go to the boss, but he does that to a woman, and they would want him fired. (sexist, much?)

    And this is where I said, yes, but the simple solution would be to not say, go fuck yourself. That’s rude anyways. And he got made at me saying I wasn’t listening and forcing my own ideas on this. How the hell else do we have a conversation otherwise, agree with everything you say? Not going to happen. We are HUMAN, not robots who all think the same. And I then calmly made another point saying that I happen to be a woman and me talking to women at the workplace is different because you aren’t one and I am.

   He then said, “but I’m talking about men and woman only”.

   So I went ahead and said straight out that he was talking to me like he expected me to understand(which I did) that the work place is different than most social conversation AND that I had to agree with him on everything. And I further said that the work place or not, it is a social construct, like shopping or a party. The way we interact may be different but its social all the same. And social knowledge is something we develop as young as children.

   And this is what got me mad. He then said to me, “This is why I don’t talk to you about this. You starting spewing bullshit when we talk.” Hell no. Don’t tell me my ideas are BULLSHIT and your ideas are god damn genious. That is plain rude. I told him, I understood but the way he socializes and the way I socialize is completely different, therefore makes the socializing at work a completely different situation also.

At this point I was really upset he called my whole ideas on life, just cause their different, bullshit. And I walked away saying he was too arrogant.

   He replied back as I was walking away, “Because you know I’m right!”, like the hypocrite he can be.

I know the reason we fight is because my whole life view is based on a nonjudgemental, sociology point of view. It involves no moral standard or society view. Uncles is based on tradition and narrow view so he can generalize to make it easier. This makes it impossible under any circumstance for us to get along with out a big heated argument. I don’t mind disagreeing, but I do mind some one saying I don’t know anything because I haven’t worked before. Whether I worked before or not does not mean I’m wrong. It’s not about where you work, its about how the individual takes social situations.

   Uncle looks for infinite answers. And when it comes to greeting some one who is not cis(identifies with biological sex and has same gender to fit), there is no infinite answer. It all is a very fluid greet that you must ALWAYS take under caution. He doesn’t like the answer, fine. But for him to say I didn’t answer his question. That is false. I answered it. It is just not the way he wants me to answer, and that angers him more than anything.

Without Warning

Your words
They have bruised the outer edges of my heart
And I would love nothing more than to tattoo
These feelings of elation as the bruises become indented
Into skin and bone

Your neck
With its little hollow shadows
That make me want to grasp every inch of you
and lose myself in this experience

Could I kiss your cheek
and whisper sweet nothings
if it meant holding you
for another day?

This is becoming something so much more
than I ever hoped to have

And yet nothing has really been said
Other than these simple fantasies that spread
Like a flesh eating virus
Carving delicious wounds into my blood stream

The truth is seen right before me
And as I turn away
These mirrors make me see
That the truth is but a lie

For this fantasy I am seeing
is something so close to love
and lust
and I am losing my mind

But baby take my hand anyways
Like the ghost in my head has done 100 times
and tell me this is right

Because my will has dwindled to a mere penny
to be dropped in these dirty streets
And I need your love

Your soul is my weakness
and my happiness
A cure that will break and bend every crack in my feet
That leave me permanently stuck here

Waiting and saying nothing
But smiling all the same

Mother, May I?

You know, luv, I've always been one to stray
far from a closeness to the land I walk upon.

The grass made me itch and the sidewalks..
they were too dirty for my beat up shoes.

If you can live long enough to see
then we will find a way to some savior

But I've been cursed with this gift of hearing
everything that needs not be said

Because your eyes told me your waiting
To wake up to a life not able

Where dreams are the howling of wolves at midnight
and breathing is almost as simple as smiling

The world is waiting behind a silver dish
And were too afraid to lift it

No more the smell of morning dew a sweet scent
but a vain attempt at feeling anything but ourselves

Cause this courage we seek has run off to the hills
and hidden itself deep below our feet

For suddenly our years is just a number
that counts the time till the blood in our bodies run dry

And the blue of our eyes
turns a dull white glare upon itself

To grasp the grounds of hell
and whisper

"Welcome Home"

Responsiblility

When people look at me, they see my height. My weight. My frown. They think that I'm some young teen with the practice of typical angst against my "miserable life". But there is another side to me.

This side is the one far too mature because she had to be. Some one who has had to grow up too fast because thats simply what life gave her. And although my past has left me, there are some things that never left.

I am a parent of sorts. First to a child dropped at our door, and then taken away years later. And now to the very women who raised both that child, his mother, and me. This women looks old and sick, and can barely wake up an hour without taking 10 different pills to feel better. But she never used to be.

She was an independent women with a heart too loving for this world. And it ate her heart out till she needed an escape. First with alcohol, an addiction that grew till her own husband forced her to see the divorce papers he'd already signed. And then with shopping, a compulsive disease that left me a side line watcher and my uncle unaware for years. That is until her "hidden" credit cards all maxed and they had to file bankrupt. Then her depression finally hit her, and she was in car accidents and bruised up all the time, and whether it was truly her carelessness or she wanted to really end it will always be a mystery. And these accidents led to a simple sprain of her foot.

This sprain is this huge fall down. She quit her job as a succesful nurse and took pills to ease the pain. And the pain, she concluded, could also ease within her heart. And the psych medicine came in and then her diabetes medicine, and any excuse she could use to possibly get high off of something other than reality.

And now, years later, she's only 54 and looks like a withered old lady ready to die. I love her, because when I love you can do so many bad things and I will always respect you and give you all my heart. That will not change.

But when you give me the decision to be made where I have to take away my giving heart and become a cold hearted parent, then I will. It is BECAUSE I LOVE YOU, that I would risk your hatred to save your life.

So next time some one thinks I have done nothing, and my age and my permanent cynicism are my immaturity, I can never believe it.

Because today I had to make a decision, like I do most days. To risk my own future and my own time to be a "teen" and have fun while I can, to be a parent to a woman who raised me when I was a child. Because she gave me life, and I owe it to her to believe in her too.

And when she found the pills my Uncle hid from her that was was taking too much of today, I was right behind her. I saw her grab them and sit there and ponder what to do. And when I asked her if they were Aderal, the ones she promised she wouldn't take anymore, she said she'd take "only one". And she gave me a look that said she had power over me. And I had to look at her back, and hide the breaking of my heart to see her so desperate for medicine that fucked her up, and demand she give them to me.

Like a mother telling her teen child to give her the alcohol or the drugs they have hidden in the sock drawer. I may be only 17, and not much life experience, but I have had enough experience to understand that my life is not wasted. And my importance is that this woman, when she is clinging to pills she knows she's not supposed to take, is in my care. And I will do what I can to make sure she is alive and well.

I am not a waste. I have an importanc to behave and be very serious. Because if I even take one day to relax and have fun to be the teen I am, this woman could be again trying to steal pills from her own home and ready to die at any instance.

And that is my existence. I am here to help whomever needs it. And right now, the woman who raised me needs me. And I am willing to grow up and risk my own future if thats what she needs. Because I know she needs me. Because no matter what her family says, they would not risk their own lives to help her if she really needed it. Not like me or my Uncle would do, and certainly at the lengths me and him have gone through for her.

I may be young, but I am NOT a waste. I am not an idiot. And I am certainly not immature.

Especially when the pills in my hand are the ones I had to confinscate from the one women who raised me because that is my job. I may not get paid, but hell its more work than any job I could ever get paid for.

Try and judge me now. Just try me.