Sometimes it takes the days where you haven’t slept all
night for weeks. With the nightmares and the thinking and the obsession with
every little detail of your life..you finally find yourself laying in your
lonely, cold room thinking that this is it. This is where I have led myself. This
is my legacy.
It is a profound feeling of something like letting go. I
feel no shame for this unfulfilled history, but rather a longing for something
more. Maybe it is boredom finally finding it’s little spot in my soul telling
me it is time. I look for so many signs in my life. My scars on my heart tell
me how patched up my heart remains. My scars on my skin tell me I am alive. And
breathing. I can close my eyes and breathe so deep just to feel my chest rise
and fall. I think of my dog, when she is sleeping in front of me and I want to
scream my tears of joy over her little body pushing up and down as she breaths
in her beautiful sleep. And my chest reminds me this is why. There is something
powerful in having someone to look after. Not to save or to nurture, but some
one who will be there to give you a greeting every morning because they love
you.
I was raised something of a military sweetheart. My father
was the strict man. He was known to demand more respect than he offered back.
But I was also given a lot of love from people who could have easily had
nothing to do with me. And I learned something in their kindness. I never
really considered my beliefs in my thoughts. I say it is karma for this, and a
coincidence for that. And it doesn’t really matter what logic I place, as long
as I can feel it in my words. Sometimes it takes speaking the words out loud to
make you truly feel that hard brick of a denial shatter. And then you feel as
if the world is over. It is the purest form of love. I find the most painful
parts of my life mean I have lived. And I may not have covered enough of
achievements to the blind eye to receive praise. But in my core I know there is
meaning in the pointless. The most relevant praise you need is how you feel
about something. And right now, in all my thinking, it seems my lack of
achievement mean nothing compared to how I feel.
There is a revolution in my heart. A peaceful giant ready to
let me smile with a genuine chesire grin. And there is no choice in holding
back this feeling. I have been feeling overwhelmed, dare I say lost in my own
head. And I have been thinking over and over again on what could be making me
so frustrated at not knowing. When it was showing me, in every day life. Peace
is something I never had. And I have finally lifted a portion of my past off
enough to let myself feel calm when I wake up from a shitty night and lack of
sleep. I get up and eat my breakfast, and I give myself a hug and smile. And
this natural behavior scared me. Because I had no idea what it was. I have
never felt peace over stressful days. And the stress of the simple things is
something I have never had to face over all the obstacles that almost broke me
whole. I have taken one step towards a happier life. 6 years in the making, and
something has naturally been lifted. Time does heal some wounds, and maybe I
can believe in miracles again.
I would like to believe in a miracle. Something I can hope
to wake up to and give a hug and some breakfast to. An entity of being that
compliments my happy heart. And I have enough patients to wait for that day,
even to live it once. It is the final ending to my story. As a breathing life
form, my final point of view will be of myself. With my chesire grin. I will
have done it. And done it well. With so much more life to live beyond this body
of mine, and so much more to learn.
