The Power of a Deep Breath

   Sometimes it takes the days where you haven’t slept all night for weeks. With the nightmares and the thinking and the obsession with every little detail of your life..you finally find yourself laying in your lonely, cold room thinking that this is it. This is where I have led myself. This is my legacy.

   It is a profound feeling of something like letting go. I feel no shame for this unfulfilled history, but rather a longing for something more. Maybe it is boredom finally finding it’s little spot in my soul telling me it is time. I look for so many signs in my life. My scars on my heart tell me how patched up my heart remains. My scars on my skin tell me I am alive. And breathing. I can close my eyes and breathe so deep just to feel my chest rise and fall. I think of my dog, when she is sleeping in front of me and I want to scream my tears of joy over her little body pushing up and down as she breaths in her beautiful sleep. And my chest reminds me this is why. There is something powerful in having someone to look after. Not to save or to nurture, but some one who will be there to give you a greeting every morning because they love you.

   I was raised something of a military sweetheart. My father was the strict man. He was known to demand more respect than he offered back. But I was also given a lot of love from people who could have easily had nothing to do with me. And I learned something in their kindness. I never really considered my beliefs in my thoughts. I say it is karma for this, and a coincidence for that. And it doesn’t really matter what logic I place, as long as I can feel it in my words. Sometimes it takes speaking the words out loud to make you truly feel that hard brick of a denial shatter. And then you feel as if the world is over. It is the purest form of love. I find the most painful parts of my life mean I have lived. And I may not have covered enough of achievements to the blind eye to receive praise. But in my core I know there is meaning in the pointless. The most relevant praise you need is how you feel about something. And right now, in all my thinking, it seems my lack of achievement mean nothing compared to how I feel.

   There is a revolution in my heart. A peaceful giant ready to let me smile with a genuine chesire grin. And there is no choice in holding back this feeling. I have been feeling overwhelmed, dare I say lost in my own head. And I have been thinking over and over again on what could be making me so frustrated at not knowing. When it was showing me, in every day life. Peace is something I never had. And I have finally lifted a portion of my past off enough to let myself feel calm when I wake up from a shitty night and lack of sleep. I get up and eat my breakfast, and I give myself a hug and smile. And this natural behavior scared me. Because I had no idea what it was. I have never felt peace over stressful days. And the stress of the simple things is something I have never had to face over all the obstacles that almost broke me whole. I have taken one step towards a happier life. 6 years in the making, and something has naturally been lifted. Time does heal some wounds, and maybe I can believe in miracles again.

   I would like to believe in a miracle. Something I can hope to wake up to and give a hug and some breakfast to. An entity of being that compliments my happy heart. And I have enough patients to wait for that day, even to live it once. It is the final ending to my story. As a breathing life form, my final point of view will be of myself. With my chesire grin. I will have done it. And done it well. With so much more life to live beyond this body of mine, and so much more to learn. 

Truth About Asking For Help

    I have to say, sometimes asking for help does more harm than good. No one can give me a straight answer as to what plans their going to make with me. It is quite simple, if you don't want to do something with me..tell me. Do not string me along saying you are still thinking about it or haven't asked other people yet. I do not deserve being thread along.

    If I just got straight answers, it would be easier to figure out what the hell I was doing. This is where needing help and actually asking for help are annoying as hell. If I don't ask for help, people offer their assistance with blank promises. It is when I do openly say “Yes, I need the help. Yes, I would like your help.” And then suddenly those offers they gave before are not a memory to them and they politely say they need to think about it first. It is frustratingly rude, and yet understandable.

    I understand there are other things people have to consider before making me a part of their plans. But waiting and waiting to give me an answer with no promise of an answer at a certain time is just inconsiderate to my own things I need done. It is a two way respect. I am willing to wait and give them time, as long as they consider my time too. And if the person just doesn't want to tell me they simply don't want me around, then they better just tell me. I would rather feel that sting of rejection right away and try again with some one else than have to waste time at the hope I might get the plans made with the person who doesn't even want me around.

    And this is really where it all comes down to consideration. Respect is so important, and if me or the other person I am trying to work with is too self-conflicted to even notice the others time, then there is something wrong there.

My Father's Philosophy

   Lately, I have been very content. I feel this calm is starting to fill me more than usual. I think a lot of it may be because I have let go of a few things that have been bothering me. In the end, things will not turn out like I want them to. There is no point in trying to change things I can not fix, right? It is just a waste of energy. Especially when dealing with people.

   I found the best method for finding peace in a situation that has dragged me down a long time is to literally let it go. This really works with people. As much as I care for the people in my life, it does not mean I want them in my life if they are hurting me more than helping. This applies to pretty much everyone, including my own family.

   I take this from my dads method of getting rid of "junk" in your life. Just toss it. If my dad is done with some one due to some problem, then he will make sure the item is destroyed or he will be sure that the person is never to see or make contact with him or any one he knows ever again. It sounds extreme, and it is. But it works. And those who claim my dad is an assshole for that have their opinion. But I agree.

    In fact, I understand him. My dad has a shit past, a verbally abusive mother, no family connection, very few friends, a temper. He is very emotional. Very angry. It is part of our family history on my dads side. My grandma has it, my grandfather, and their parents before that. Now I have a temper too. But living with my dad so long, I have managed to control it on some degree with my self therapy. I can still blow up, I don't deny that. But the person would have to be REALLY persistent to make me blow. I usually will take my leave in the middle of a growingly heated argument with some one, not because I am rude, but because if I don't my temper will burst. I get mean, I get violent, I break things..including their body. My dad when he snaps just mainly broke things and was verbally abusive. My mental trauma, and several confidence issues are from that. But he never hit me.

   In my case, I don't throw things. I am too cheap to want to break things. And I would never hurt an animal. But my past abuse and my sociopathic tendencies make me immune to human sympathy. So I can get abusive with people, even people I love, if I am not in control at all times. It is a pain to be on watch all the time. And it is probably best I get anger management therapy for it.

   So in my family and my own's past with anger and being overly emotional and just having a shitty childhood no matter what..my dad tosses things aside. And that is specifically why I understand and use this method. I would rather take some one who I can not forgive what they did, or some one who really has hurt me and even means it when they try to make it up to, and never see them again. In my own mind, I am saying "good riddens" to the whole problem.

    Now the difference between me and my dads method is how we do it. My dad at the first sign of a problem, most of them because of himself, will instantly blame the other person and throw them out of his life right away. His method is crude. And honestly, sometimes it is so quick that it is a shame. He could have fixed a lot of relationships he threw out of his life by simply TALKING about it and fixing it. But he can't do that. His anger is too strong for him.

    In my case..I give chances. I am very forgiving still. I will take the time for months and months to work with the person I am having issues with. Because in the end, I do care about their well being and know not to waste opportunities over stupid shit like anger. But if it comes to the point where I can no longer forgive some one, they have repeatedly made the same mistake, are liars, and other things that make "working it out" impossible, then I throw them out. Like my dad, but with consideration to the effort of trying to fix it first.

    And really, in the end, the most common reason as to why I have thrown most of friends out of my life is simply because they don't try.. If the person I try hard to fix the problem with is not doing anything to help or even trying to fix it with me then there is no point for me. They obviously don't care enough about me to try at all and I don't make excuses for that.

   Because I do respect myself enough to fight when I need to fight, but also let go when I am just being used.

   And right now, my peaceful heart has done that. I no longer call the person I have been having problems with a friend. They are a person, and nothing else. But it has really pushed me to that. I tried and tried to forgive. But in the end, I just can't. It has just kept happening. And if in my battle to fix it, I am the only person doing anything, then of course it isn't going to be fixed.

   I won't fight a battle with no fight in return. I will always in some way care for their well being, but I also wouldn't give a shit if they died tomorrow. That is just how it is for me. My top priority is always my own happiness. It is not selfish for me because it is healthy. It is unhealthy to spend your priorities trying to keep the priorities of others protected. My own happiness is really the one thing I always have to set my sights for.

   And if that means hurting many people in the process of doing so, then I will. I will make the hurt as painless as possible, but there will always be pain in the road of happiness. I accept that.

Lesson On Adulthood

   I have never been one to hold onto my previous years. I always hated being a child. I would look far ahead in my years and say, I want to be there right now. And in doing so it seems now that it has come to where I am exactly what I was wishing I was as a kid, I am mentally prepared for it all.

    Maybe it was luck, I really don't know. But I have been ready for this for many years, and the only things holding me back from already achieving it is still trying to get through these last few months left and getting my life started.

   I always was ready. And in the easiest way, all I had to do was let go of the dependence I had on everyone around me. I stopped looking to my parents, family, and friends for help. Instead of waiting around for some one to give me the answer, I just figured it out myself. And that kind of action helped me realize how much more relieving it is to not need any body for those answers.

   There are times I forget to keep this independence. And yes, I may ask some one for help I know I can find myself because I get lazy. Laziness kills my independence. But I have to remind myself that I am not a child. I am a woman with a functioning brain and plenty of common sense to make it through just fine without their help. I only need to ask for help when it comes to things I may not know, such as the confusing act of paying bills and when you know you owe taxes..I still have no idea.

   But everything else, including MY FUTURE, is all up to me. So if I am having a bad day, I get up anyways with my head up high and do what I have to do to get it done. There is always time to think about it and mope only a little later. But right now I have things to do so that my complete independence is possible. That is what being a working adult is. It is not any change of mind set, any change in the level of immaturity, or in my case lack there of immaturity, it is the ability to focus on whats needs done.

   I have been told this since I was little, and it works. Personal life and work life do not mix. Right now, school is work. And whatever you may be going through personally CAN NOT reflect how you behave at work. And yes, that includes school. Because reality is, you do that when your work is job or college and you get fired. You don't have some one coddling you till you feel better and you can do it later. They demand it is done now and thats final. And so it is one of my biggest rules that I follow, and try to follow to my best account.

   Never mix PERSONAL LIFE with WORK LIFE.

   It kills everything you work for to get done with things. If only adults and teachers taught school kids this way before they send them off to the real world beyond high school. I happen to have a very loving Uncle, on most days, who has managed to tell me things that most parents can not. He gave me unwanted lectures years and years, and I never really understood why. But now I am finally understanding that I should have been grateful for it.

   Emotions put a persons full potential back, and the world demands every single person work to their fully capable potential. It is an extreme expectation, but exists nonetheless. And in the end, you need it to live a comfortable life. You can say you don't, but that is ignorance on some level.

About A Boy

It has been 4 years. 4 very long years that my emotional wounds have healed over and been taken care of. I lost my nephew and never got to say goodbye. He was told that we were evil, menaces, and horrible people. That will always be his very last thought till he becomes an old man and we can do nothing about it. And I have accepted this.

But there are the memories that still manage to linger. I practically raised the boy. He was like my son, and we had these little things that when I listen to a certain song, see a small blue eyed blonde boy laughing in the grocery store, they all manage to crack my strength.

And last year when we managed to run into him and his mother, I managed to hold in the blow to my heart. It had felt like some darkness pulled my heart out and threw me around like a rag doll. And his aged face, now about 8, was so beautiful. But his eyes had lost his light. He was heavily medicated, staring into space, like he didn't know who we were. His pale hand was tightly holding onto his fathers. And his father told him to say hello, and when that boy looked at me I saw an empty soul. They had corrupted his bright bubbly personality into a shell. And he was just a boy.

And when they left I broke. I stood in the middle of the crowded theater hall, fell to the floor and I began to cry so hard. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't see. All I could feel was my heart being torn into pieces. This wasn't my lover telling me it was over, this wasn't losing my best friend. Those feelings seemed so easy compared to this. I had grown so strong thinking of the memories of this boy, and seeing the reality just broke my entire mind. I had to be picked up by Uncle and dragged to the bathroom. And I fell against his chest and just screamed.

It was the absolute worst feeling. And I suddenly knew the pain of a parent losing her child. Why they never talk about it, and yet hold onto their useless toys and old blankets like they have so much meaning. Because their smell eventually fades, as does their presence in your own heart. And you feel like you have an empty hole in your heart. And no matter how much your heart heals those wounds, their is still these jaded scars and they will never leave.

And all this comes from a song. One song I happen to be listening to that reminds me of this boy that made me feel like I was worth something. And I realize I am not stronger than the day he left. I am only dealing with it and realizing I will never fully regain my heart back.

That was taken so long ago. The day I stopped being able to hold that sweet boy in my arms at night is the night I lost my faith.

And I will never get it back.

Letting My Dreams Lead the Way

I had a dream last night, and it left me waking up groggy and full of anxiety.

I was marrying Channing Tatum(I don't even know why), and I was different. I was tall and skinny, like a super model. Long hair, blonde, and this idea of utter perfection. And yet I found myself looking at this dream and finding I had turned ugly. I didn't like the fact that I had no figure to look at.

We invited my family, and the children of my Uncles family, and the friends I used to have back before I moved out of town. The photographer asked me how I wanted the big wedding photo done, and I realized I hadn't made any plans. I did not have any brides maids or grooms men assigned and no one was even dressed fancy. It was chaotic.

So they all just started going into the bleacher and setting up, and the photographer just started handing out the kids these huge body pillows. And suddenly this big white projector screen was slid down at the top of the bleachers. A black and white video began of the children and they were playing together. The lights were dimmed..a light purple hue covered the room, and these blinking white stars filled the sky.

I stood there, watching this chaotic display and was awed by the beauty of this sleep over atmosphere. Like an outdoor movie night full of hundreds of people. This made me think that this is what weddings should be celebrated like. Full of joy, and not worrying about how fancy you look or how well you can impress a room with your smile, dancing, and all these factors that in the end, are meaningless.

And then I awoke. And I discovered I felt anxious. This dream ended like a fairy tale, and it was perfect. But yet I didn't like the outcome. I always have this idea that dreams tell me what my worries and undecisive thoughts obsess over. They give me answers that I can never fully realize alone. And this dream showed me things, that after thinking over, help me make those decisions with ease.

I was questioning my idea on marriage a lot recently. Because I enjoy weddings. They make me excited and I love the idea of dressing up and getting to eat food and socialize. But I do not want to get married. I relish my freedom, my queer life, and my beautiful body as it remains now.

And this big focus on kids really hit me. They were the main attraction on that big screen. And it made my heart melt to see all their smiles and their playful nature. I love kids. But I felt like the dream was saying my future meant having all these babies. But I don't want to have babies, and I certainly cherish my animals like they are my own much more.

So in ways this dream helped me settle the dispute within the thin walls of my brain. The decisions of doing what every one is expecting me to do versus what I really want to do is still a struggle right now. It is all if's and maybes and I have never really tried enough of what I think will make me happy to really know. Life is becoming one big giant "what if" and the only thing I can do is let my dreams tell me the way.

Hearts Beat As One

You ask me how it feels

to see the world in dark variation

where the bright blue sky makes me want cry

for it is too bright for my bitter heart

And I answer you

that there is no feeling

not like when you are layed down

under the stars gaze

and the scratches along your skin

are from my own bloody hands

You ask me why I need to see your tears

as they flow over your supple cheeks

and into your smiling mouth

because you know why

and I need only to lean down

to whisper, "Your mine"

You ask me what I want

as you flip me over

where the floor is cold from the night sky

and chills run up my body

And I answer you

that I want everything

and nothing

because you are an empty being

as empty as me

who craves something to ease the hatred

that oozes out of our words

to stain innocents hearts

And this

this is why I ask you

when I flip you back around

and I lean my grin close to your chest

and whisper, "Let me in"

Will you let me in?

So that I can dig deep inside whatever tomb lay hidden

beneath your skin and your bruises

to reach that inner roar you hold

Because my final question could never be spoken

for it is air itself that we breath

that answers it for us

And when my hands wrapped your neck

it was never meant for harm

but to show my deepest regret

because I am so ashamed to love you